Uttari

Translated from Bahasa Indonesia

Introduction

My name is Uttari. At Yayasan Gaya Dewata (YGD) I am a field officer for trans women in the Denpasar area. 

Working at Yayasan Gaya Dewata

My job is as a field officer as a trans-woman. I educate fellow trans people, as well as trans women's spouses. YGD has three districts: Badung, Denpasar and Buleleng. I was assigned to Denpasar. Because of my identity, even though I was born a male, I identify  as a warya or transgender. Because that's an acknowledgment of identity, our comfort. The field officers, we foundationally know the territorial areas, for example in Denpasar there are three hotspot bases. There is Persatuan Warya Renon (Perwaron), then Warcan, Bung Tomo and Malboro Bersatu. And I happened to be, before I was pulled as a field officer, a Denpasar transgender officer, I had a nightlife as a player in one of those hotspots. So, some of the friends, the clients are old friends. Friends who have gone through a lot with me. I've been in Bali for about 12 years, so there are already a lot of friends who know me. Our job is to educate friends, especially trans women, on how to break the vicious cycle of HIV/AIDS transmission, and educate those are already sick, how to survive by continuing to seek treatment. Then I emphasize again to transwomen, because transwomen are different from MSM or gays, because transwomen are men who look like women. No matter how beautiful they are, people will still see that they are male in gender. So I emphasize to my friends that we have to find our place in the world and have respect for others. Where the earth treads, the sky is upheld. And how can we be accepted by people. Respecting people, yes we have to respect the values of the people in our environment itself and find ourselves.

Past

Again, life is a choice. If we are transitioning from pre-warya/pre-transwoman, before we dress up, we used to be in the form of men. But we already have the soul of liking the same sex, it's just that we are from another region, another culture, another religion, so we are afraid to express ourselves. Feeling anxious or afraid of what to do with the culture, with religion and the good name of the family. But it can't be lied that from a young age, before I hit puberty, the signs were already visible. I already looked feminine, soft, the Javanese say. There are still some friends who discriminate, make fun of, mock, and so on. It remains embedded until now because the words that have been spoken cannot be retracted, in my opinion. I still remember it. That's sometimes a whip to me personally. I want to show them that it's okay that I have a different life line from my hetero friends who have children. I will show them that I have skills too that you don't have but I do. That encourages me. 

Transitioning

In Java, I had that feeling to transition, but I couldn't channel it because we have different cultures and customs. Religion, bigotry, local wisdom. So it was in Bali that I dared to spread my wings. At that time, I still hadn’t come out to my family in the village. In Bali, when we go back to what we have and what we are capable of, we would still prioritize family. If we have at least been useful to others and our family, at least to family, there's no way we won't be accepted. It goes back to entrusting ourselves. Personally, as a transwoman, maybe I'm not completely dressed as a woman day and night. Sometimes there is a good side to dressing as a man. I can go to the place of worship, I can still be a man, I can still go to public places as a man. But, in terms of self-acknowledgment, I don't want to be a man. Because I want to carry myself as a woman. 

Is your Family Supportive?

Until now, my parents and siblings have been supportive to me. Alhamdullilah they accept. Because it's already visible from childhood. The important thing is, the message from parents and family is not to violate the law. “Please maintain the honor of the family. If indeed if your life choice is not to have a wife, not to have children, you have to be smart to entrust yourself to your nieces and nephews because later on– okay well now you have a brother. Maybe your brother will die first. Of all your nieces and nephews, you have to be the one who remembers them and is compassionate, and can therefore take care of them.” If we really give sympathy, remember, it doesn't have to be luxurious. If we have a fortune, we prioritize nieces and nephews, relatives, relatives, brothers and sisters. Until now, all of my family members have been accepting.

Experience Before and After Transitioning

When I was pubescent, the first puberty was around junior high school, I was 14. It was already visible from a young age because I didn't like boys' toys. I didn't like my friends playing kites, I didn't like playing soccer. Then, as puberty progressed, I wondered why I was attracted to the same sex? Friends of the same-sex? But I just suppressed the feeling. 

Some of my friends were noticing and were already trying to intimidate me. "You're a bencong", "you're soft". I still remember who that face was that discriminated as a child. It still rings true, until this moment. But I swore, I would that person, “you insult me like this, you judge me like this, I will have skills above you that you won't have.” It’s like a whip for me personally. In social and religious matters, I will be present. I mean it's not necessarily the hetero ones who are originally normal, can do things correctly. Even the warya ones can too. I want to shut the mouths that mock, make fun of. 

Feelings after the Transition

Yes, we feel more comfortable because we have achieved personal comfort, psychologically and in our hearts. For example, in terms of sexual orientation, I prefer men. I dress up, but, I won't chat with a married man, a man who has a wife because, that's right - I also have my own pride. 

Challenges during Self-Discovery

I always get along with people from the (LGBTQ+) community in Bali, so when I was housekeeping at a villa for four years, my boss was also gay, so he supported me. But over time, as long as I don't harm people and I, with the skills I have, I will be useful to others, it has its own satisfaction for me. The important thing is that I don't harm people. 

Specific Moment

Going back to entrusting myself. In Bali it's called "menyamabraya". I've been living in a boarding house for about seven years. Even though I live far away in Badung, but work in Denpasar, I really don't want to move because I'm already tied to the neighborhood. Bound by having a recitation community, who all used to be in elementary school and are now high school students, who didn't know that I was warya now they are accepting. Reflecting on ourselves, the important thing is that we don't try and do anything weird with them, we don't - we may have lust, but if we maintain respect, they will also respect us. If there are some people who can't - maybe it's a taboo and so on, when they see a warya or trans woman. They think that warya people live on the street. There are some transpuan friends who work on the streets, so the assumption is that all trans women are the same. Even though it's not like that. Not all warya live on the street, not all warya can only do that as a job. There are friends who can sew, there are those do who make-up, there are those who are rich in state administration in institutions. It all comes down to human resources and how you position yourself. 

In my neighborhood, I remember it until now. There was a neighbor who passed away. Then, because we promote Javanese culture, there is a tradition we do for ones who have passed. We use things like tumpeng, that's what Javanese Muslims do. I went there, mourning the neighbor who had passed. There were some of the neighbors who made fun of me. I still remember. "You have to be masculine when you dig, don't be like a tranny!" I knew that he was insulting me - meaning that he was describing me. He insulted me as a tranny because he thought that I couldn't dig that grave. I’m physically built like a man, and my brain is of a male. I can dig the ground. But the procedure of wrapping a corpse, and religious matters, that's the least I've ever learned as a devout Muslim. I can do the procedures in takjiah affairs. He may have not been able to do that. I showed him in front of his eyes that I could do it. Until now he's ashamed of himself in front of me. The family of the one who died were kind to me. I used to at least have a religious foundation. So the warya can dig the grave, him, as a cisgender, his muscles are strong, he doesn’t necessarily know how to take care of the procedures. In front of him I read the holy book, memorized it. He was ashamed, until now he is ashamed, ashamed as he can be. So what are our strengths, we show them to shut those people up. 

Message to the World

Never judge people easily. Never judge people from the outside who identify as different things. Because it doesn't necessarily mean that the one who is underestimated is more powerful. "Because this person is warya, this person is part of this community, ...." it doesn’t necessarily mean that before a person came to Bali, in his previous life, he had other advantages that you don't necessarily have. So keep befriending people from all different backgrounds, whether it's a person of this gender or that gender. Take the positive side of each one. As long as it doesn't harm you, ok, take the positives. Whether it's prostitutes, gays, warya. Because I believe everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses.