Dayu

Translated from Bahasa Indonesia

Introduction

My name is Ida Ayu Sinta Dewi (Dayu), I am 49 years old, I am a housewife. I happen to suffer from physical and mental illnesses. It's a complete package. My disease is stage 4B breast cancer which has spread to the lungs. I also have kidney disease, kidney stones and my right kidney is not functioning. I have type 2 diabetes. I also have gallstones, heart failure, and stomach acid actually. As for mental illness, I am bipolar and am currently being treated. The possibility is considered a relapse of schizophrenia. I am also currently being treated by a neurologist because the spread of cancer to the bone affects the nerve pincers. 

I have a community called Love and Strong Women. There we move to shelter friends with female cancer: such as breast cancer, cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, and uterine cancer. We were established on April 30, 2018. Starting from small talk, it finally occurred to me to form a community as a place for friends who are cancer survivors like me and other friends. The goal, besides providing support, so that they don't feel alone is so they can have friends, can have a place and can feel a sense of commonality. We worked there, at first, raising our own funds. 

For example, there was a friend who had problems paying for BPJS (Indonesia’s Worker Social Security Program), so we worked together and paid for the health costs for 1 year. We also support and then help if there are friends who need a shelter. We try to get one near the hospital. We collaborate with the McDonald foundation, and there we meet with neighborhood children. What we educate is the parents, because there the parents may be tired of having to take care of a sick child for years. We also groceries to friends at the cancer shelter, educating them because many do not understand: what foods are allowed or not allowed?  People with cancer often have mental problems too, you need enlightenment from mental specialists. We also hold seminars where the speakers are professors or doctors who specialize in cancer surgery. Then we hold podcasts to disseminate information as widely as possible.

Challenges

In 2018, I focused on fighting for cancer, then cancer and mental illness, and now more on mental illness due to the stigma. Lack of understanding of the importance of mental health. The courage people need to express that they suffer from mental illness and need help. It's not very brave to go to a psychiatrist. There is also still fear, so it is difficult to get help.

I often have a hard time, especially when I talk about mental health. I once had to share that I've been abused, and it's stayed with me for years. As a Balinese woman with many rules, with this patrilineal system. I fight for married women to remain who they are. 

Women should be able to be creative, bring out the resources that they have, be themselves. So she doesn't always have to follow what the husband's family says, she has to follow the traditions there. A married woman should not lose her identity, and she should have the courage to say no. Women must also be able to express themselves. Women are usually forbidden to do anything. "You can't", don't complain, don't cry, don't protest, just keep quiet, don't speak out". No. I hope for equality between men and women, so both have the right to have an opinion. Both have the right to express their thoughts. 

20 years ago - I was left in Singaraja with my children and husband. My child was a six-month-old baby. There I experienced harassment, attempted rape by my father-in-law. But I was lucky, I was grateful that I had self-defense skills that I could use so that didn't happen. But even though it didn't happen, I felt humiliated. I felt dirty. And to my surprise, when I complained to my husband, the answer I received was: "You are the one who did it to yourself." Who would want to be treated like that? The attempted rape caused a lot of pain. It hurt and destroyed my self-esteem and self-worth. I was really traumatized. I've had a lot of problems since I was a child, but that incident was really something that I consider to be in the extraordinary category. I had to take multiple showers a day because I felt that I was dirty. After that incident I couldn’t stop crying, I felt like my life was meaningless. 

I tried to commit suicide because I felt that no one stood up for me. I even spoke to my parents. They said "don't tell stories like that". So I had to survive, to solve my own problems. Meanwhile, many new problems also arose. It was an incident that hurt me very much, especially since my in-laws are people I find difficult to avoid. Even if I divorce - I can't separate because my parents don't want to accept me as a divorcee. Like it or not, the marriage had to continue. 

Every time I went home and met my in-laws, especially with their welcoming attitude, I knew they must not care about my feelings. I stayed away from my in-laws, and my in-laws created rumors in my husband's extended family that I was a bad daughter-in-law and disrespectful to my parents. How can I be respectful? I myself am traumatized every time I see him? Maybe other people don't read the feelings that are inside me, such as the feeling of  sudden chills throughout my body, then feeling tired, weak, feeling angry. I had to struggle to control that anger because I was required to suppress my feelings. Even though I wanted to talk, while people judged me that I was a bad daughter-in-law. This year I blew it all up, meaning that I talked to people who are influential in my family. I'm no longer thinking that I'll be checked first, I'm not afraid to tell my story, if I rebel, they'll make a bigger issue. Now I don't care, this is how I process.

That day I became sick, and I talked a lot with friends who had cancer too. Basically people with cancer, they have hidden feelings, that they don't dare to say. That's what I got from my story, fellow friends who thought no one could help. I steamed, how do I recover myself, heal myself, especially with chronic diseases? 

So I did meditation, more communication with myself. I want to filter the people who are around me. I choose my friends. Friends who support me, make me grow again. In the end, I am where I am now. One thing I am grateful for, I still survive and can be happy. For me, life, the important thing is to be happy. Even though I have a disease, whatever the situation is, I have to be happy.

What are your hopes for the future?

I hope there will be an organization to help anyone, regardless of age, people who have been abused. Whether it's like me, attempted rape, or verbal violence that causes trauma. So that those who experience such violence feel not alone. Those friends can help them recover, because those who understand are those who feel the same. That's my hope for the future. I used to look to the past, but I understand that no one can go to the past and fix things. Sometimes, we learn for today and the future. I think the platform is important because it doesn't exist yet. I realized that I used to look outward too much, forgetting to look inward. 

Many people think that cancer is something that is not good to tell, but I don't appreciate that. Instead, by telling our stories, others will open up. They will think: I am not alone. Sharing experiences is important. The trauma of violence, especially rape, is extraordinary. I only spoke up after 20 years. I had that trauma for 20 years. At that time there was no insurance, so health was an expensive thing. Thankfully now there is insurance, the government is responsible for mental health so that it is used properly. 

Message for the World

For other people who have had the same experience as me, or for anyone who has been abused, or hurt by their husband. I'm also a person who was victimized by infidelity many times. It was extraordinary too, I experienced harassment and received humiliation, not to mention that the third woman dared to insult me. She said I had no breasts, no uterus. I believed that I was in the right and she was in the wrong, so I fought to get my husband back. Although many people suggested leaving, I didn't. Just like life, when it is threatened we have to defend it.

It was traumatizing too, but I learned to forgive. That doesn't mean I have to be good, like I forgive my in-laws. It doesn't mean I'm close to them, either. Forgiving for me is forgiving myself. I spent so many years with trauma, sadness. That means I spent 20 years sad. I wasted my life. 

So for those who experience it too, maybe the understanding is: there are things we can control and things we can't control. There is nothing wrong with speaking up. Let's dare to speak up, at least express our feelings by writing. Not everyone has to know. If you feel uncomfortable, don't hesitate to go to a psychiatrist to get help. Get help, save yourself. Do not hesitate to tell friends who are experiencing the same thing. Shame often keeps people from getting help, but I think that's difficult in Bali. Unless there is an organization. If there is an organization, you can tell, because at least by telling, it means that the burden of a person is reduced, you save yourself. Involve God in this. Stop sacrificing for others, focus on how to recover from trauma. Yes, even if your husband is not supportive, the environment is not supportive, in the future you may meet friends who are supportive. All are God's creatures.  My God is also a doctor, actually, so I feel that my life is my chance to help, but as much as we can. Let's help others.

What makes you happy?

I am alive. Because I'm still alive, I can do something. I am happy with what happened to me, which became a life lesson for me. If I didn't experience that, I wouldn't have anything to tell you. 

I explore happiness for every single thing. For example, if I go to the market, I'm happy with what I'm doing at that moment. For me, in every moment there is happiness, it's just how we interpret it. Even with simple food I am happy, my favorite food is rice and Sambal Matah. it's simple, but for me it's good food.