Ibu Sari

Translated from Bahasa Indonesia 

Introduction

I am Ibu Sari. It's Ni Komang Sariadi, but usually I’m called Ibu Sari. 

I started the PKP centre, of course there is a story behind it all. I was born in the forest of Sulawesi. My family was experiencing financial difficulties at the time so we moved to Bali with hopes of fixing them. 

This nomadic life and being in an atmosphere of poverty made me think about suicide at the age of approximately 10 years old. I felt "Why can't I just be like other Balinese children, living with my parents in a stable household?" After a while, my parents, siblings and I managed to get back together after being homeless for a while. We managed to build a bamboo hut for all of us to live in. But eventually, due to our poverty, my father had to sell me and my siblings for marriage because he thought it was the quickest way to make money at the time. 

I had a few more suicide attempts during in my married life. I had a very short marriage, approximately 2 years, and before that I had never even experienced a dating relationship. No one directed me or gave me an idea of what marriage was. How do we face a challenge when we are married? How do we prepare ourselves to face these challenges? So, married at a very young age, with no guidance or overview of what marriage is like, and how to face challenges within a marriage. I automatically had the sense of “I have to be able to make decisions”, and that always arises when we feel desperate or depressed. Because I felt helpless. Like I wasn’t able to do anything, the suicide attempts happened again and again. Finally, we divorced after going through a period of trying to find solutions to all the challenges that we had. In Bali itself, if every time there is a problem, the first thing we do is try to do a ceremony. We do ceremonies from small to big, then from one holy bath to another, from one priest to another, from one healer to another. We usually use that to solve problems because we believe in the spirits that are magic. 

After all that didn’t work. The last resort was to separate. I myself didn't want to separate because how can I leave without my child? For Balinese women in general, if we separate, we need to leave our soul, our life, which is the child. So a lot of us, divorced women, have to endure those challenges just for the sake of the child. 

During the 2 years of marriage, there were so many suicide attempts because I didn't know what to do, where to go, or what kind of path I should take. So the divorce happened, but I didn't want to separate because I couldn't leave my child who was 6 months old at that time. But, my weight went from 53kg to 35kg due to a lot of stress, and finally my family, seeing that, didn't want me to die. They invited me back home to stay with them after the divorce. 

I was so grateful that they loved me so much as their daughter. My mom had said: "You go home first, you find yourself, leave your child first because of the patriarchal systems that we have." If couples are separated, the child ends up with their father. The child lives with the father, and that means that the women are not with the child. We can't have our children. We don't have a voice, then we also don't get property. So we come out “naked” in a sense.

My mother is both my strength and my weakness. But I'm glad that my mom is a very strong woman, very tough, very hard, too. If it wasn't for her, saying one sentence that helped me to get out of it all, I probably wouldn't be here right now. I came back home and I did what people all over the world did 3 years ago, went into Lockdown. The first lockdown was when I separated with my ex-husband, because I found two other recent divorcees that I brought with me. The first one was a mother without her child, the second one was a separated woman, or roughly speaking, a widow. 

It's still something that is taboo and not commonly talked about in our society. It could be that these two people made me unable to deal with reality. After going into Lockdown for a few months, my mom—again my strength and my weakness, yelled outside my room because I didn't want to come out. 

"If you don't want to come out of the room, you don't interact with anyone, you’ll just die slowly again, like you've done so many times in the past! But before you can do that, you will have to see your mother's dead body outside." That's what my mom said that made me open the door. I finally promised that I would interact again, socialize again. It was a very difficult moment because people had judgements. 

“Oh she is the New Comer." 

"Why are you so skinny?" 

Because my weight went from 53kg to 35kg. So it was a really drastic change.

I ignored all of that and occupied myself by helping my mother with her business. I managed to fatten up, and then the last challenge was being a “janda melengis”: a young beautiful Balinese woman. All the men came to me, one by one. Some brought gold, some brought jewelry, some brought cars. They asked me, "How much do you charge per night?" Hearing that, I couldn't respond calmly. It came up in my heart, and the feeling of anger, the feeling of sadness, could not be expressed properly. 

I had to leave that unhealthy environment, eventually moved to study again, go to college again to become a teacher. Now in this second life, this is the transition where I started to find many women with the same situation as me. Where they are not only separated women, but also those who experience infertility, then women who have children with special needs, struggling with mental health, and those who are LGBTQ. 

When I met more people, I realized, “why don't more people help or empower those who are unfortunate, who are still devalued, who still don't have a place in society?” Just like my status as a divorcee. Finally, the initiative to help them came, but at that time the universe did not allow it. First, I was brought to help with a school for children with mental disabilities, to run the school for a few years and to learn about myself better. So that I actually understood what's going on, what's it like in a new environment. 

Finally, after a few years of running Sari Hati, I started the PKP Cenrer, which initially focused on helping women. Now it's more about helping everyone who wants to learn and share. No matter who you are, children, women, men. That's why as you can see here, there are not only women, there are also young, old men from Bali, outside Bali, from several islands. That's the story behind the establishment of PKP, which was originally PKP Women's Center, now it is completed by embracing all levels of society, becoming PKP Community Center.

Happiness

What makes me happy the most is when people allow themselves to open up. To be able to meet many people, go to many places, experience many situations. Because I myself believe that everyone is a teacher, everyone is a student, every place is a school, and every situation is a lesson. When they allow themselves to open up, then they’re able to see, "Oh, it turns out there are people who love me, there is a lot of love, there are things we can do". When we talk about challenges, the biggest challenges from the past, present, future, in our lives are nothing other than two: people and finances. People, because we are moving assets. Humans are what moves the tools– which is money, and money is used by humans. If we move it in a good direction, then the results are good, but if it goes in the wrong direction then the consequences aren’t good.

Moment of Regret

Of course. The moment that I regret the most is when I didn't listen to my heart. Why didn't I listen to my heart? That is what I regret the most.

There is always a sign, whether a sign of through feelings, through everything around us, this actually has been given that from the universe but often we are not listening. But the heart never lies. Logic can be lies, or what people say, can be lies. But the heart, the heart cannot lie. Far before I got married at such a young age, I got so many signs but I ignored them. Now I know what those signs are. 

So first, it was a dream. I dreamt about being in a huge field with a holy bull. I didn't know that I would marry in the village where the bull is a holy preserve, in Tegalalang. Before my ex-husband married me, I got the sign that he’d take me to make love, I got the sign before we made love—which I didn't want to. He tried many times, he tried, he kind of abused. We could not have sex. He tried many times, more than 2 months, it didn't happen. He then started being rude to me, so I went straight to the temple, we call it the Tungun Karang, for the guard of the house. I went there straight away and I prayed. I think I'm the only person who has prayed to be able to make love, to have sex. 

He talked very bad to me, and I was fed up. I went to the temple, I prayed. I promised to the God who is worshipped there, I will offer certain offerings if I could have sex with him. I remember that it finally happened at midnight, right after I prayed. I went back to the room and we did it, without blood. Usually I heard from my friends, if we’re virgins, there would probably be blood or pain, but I didn't feel anything. Then, I got pregnant, from the first guy who took my virginity, and we weren’t even in love. 

Another sign was one week before we got married. Again, this is not a dream, but something, came to my head. Somewhere between 12:00 to 3:00 a.m. in the morning, I felt something would happen in the future. I told my groom about it one week before we got married. You can't imagine all the offerings that have already been prepared, everyone had already been invited, blah blah blah. I told my groom when we were about to sleep, “Let's cancel the wedding.”  “What are you talking about? Are you crazy? Don't dare to make shame” that's what he said.

But I felt something would happen in the future, I don't know why, I can't explain it, but I felt something. I don't know where this sign came from, probably because since I was little, I know that the Universe had given me such an old soul, or maybe this Soul came from my grandparents who are priests, I don't know. But I ignored all those signs. I felt something pinch me. I got many signs before, and this is something that I regret. Why didn't I listen, why didn't I have the sensitivity to listen to any signs around my feelings? 

Message to the World

My advice to everyone, for the entire world, is to be open and allow yourself to be open. Be honest to yourself. This is from my own experience– when you close your heart, it means you are blind. When you are blind you cannot see the many beautiful things, and you cannot see that every life given by the universe has its own purpose. Every challenge is your greatest fertilizer to help you grow, to help you understand yourself.