Kai Mata

Coming to Bali

I have I have been in Bali since November of 2016 so we're now going on our seventh year in Bali, Indonesia. What brought me here is recognizing Bali for me as a non Balinese person, as the most Progressive place for me to be in terms of mobility. And what I describe Bali to be is the least intolerant place in Indonesia, for queer individuals.

It is not the most accepting because that suggests a sense of openness, which is a false reality Alot of tourists and westerners see from their bubble here. No Balinese family wants a gay kid. That would be viewed as something wrong. And shameful. So for me as a non Balinese person, I wanted to move to a place that would allow me more freedom and I recognize that privilege. 

Discrimination

Bali feels safer to me. I remember playing a show in Sanur, and it was like an open festival on Montessori Beach. It was majority Asians and you had abunch of families and a bunch of people Balinese, and from other islands of all religions, you had people wearing hijabs. Some not. And I remember, once I reached the very gay part of my set you just saw the clapping disappear. Sea of thousands of people felt like the silence of three and I knew that was the wrong audience for me to do something like that.

And afterwards when I was driving away, someone threw, a can at me or something like that. And I was just like, what? It was just like some teenage boys. I would say that is the closest call of like discrimination. That was very active. You know, it also Blends in with the idea of kind of being a femme presenting. 

Have you ever experienced discrimination?

Yeah, all the time, you know, if I hop into a GoCar, they’re always like, “Oh, are you married yet?” And I say, no, but I have a strong, burly fiancee who is in the military in Jakarta. But I'll say it in Indonesian and because it's like so gender neutral. But I won’t be so forthcoming because I'm in a confined space with an individual driving that knows my address. 

So, coming out I think happens every day for people who are questioning. It's okay to not come out to people for our safety and my go-car driver doesn't need to know my sexual orientation. If a waitress sees me on a date with my partner and calls her my friend, I'm not going to correct her. So there is some hesitation and I don't think it's wrong to be more closed off depending on the circumstance because I know it will make a waiter typically uncomfortable. Unless I know it is a queer, friendly venue or owned by the lgbtq+ community. 

Happiness

Food. I love food. I love food so much. It makes me really happy. I also love reading. I love looking through, what makes me feel. Euphoria for me, is discovering parts of Indonesian history and culture that we aren't taught about in schools or in mainstream conversations such as the rich cultural heritage of Indonesia, that has had as an archipelago of various sexual orientations and gender identities that were innate and ingrained to do. 

Certain tribes and traditions, depending on where you are. I think we've forgotten about that in our current day, understanding of society and culture, and now view queerness as a western value, that is imported. Like a modern construct, even though it has been documented that, across 18,000 Islands, hundreds of cultures, dozens of languages, there are also many variations of sexual identities, and gender identities as well. And that makes sense for a country. So vast and so different, we have so many languages. We have the second most largest amount of languages within our country, only beaten out by Papua New Guinea. That makes me so happy to read and see what that looks like. I feel a big part of reclaiming queer identity is not trying to be more liberal and more modern quote-unquote but to recognize our past, as a Heritage we want to preserve. 

My idealized future is one where we actually stand by our national motto of unity and diversity, because we are so far away from that. We are so divided. And we are so divided across a variety of categories: religion, gender, ethnicity, social class. And it's heartbreaking to see because it benefits, no one. 

I imagine Indonesia being more accepting and more tolerant through a more thorough education about what made our country, the way it is the consequences of colonization and how we can grow together in a way that recognizes individuality within a collectivistic culture. 

Struggle

Coming to terms with my sexual orientation when I was a teenager. When I was coming out, I was in Jakarta, I went to an international school there. I was quite privileged to have that opportunity but it still felt so isolating. I felt so withdrawn and ashamed of myself. And I had the whole conversation in my mind:

“Okay, I guess I do like women, but I'm just going to marry a Chinese Indonesian man, right? And just have a baby with him, right?” That was a difficult part for me to overcome that and understand that, that would not be fair to myself or to that person that I would marry without any love. Unless they were consenting to that type of relationship. 

I also have struggled with understanding the dangers, I put myself and my family in. We've seen Indonesians react violently towards people who have spoken out on certain rights in this country. For example, a prominent activist who was fighting for freedom of choice, to not wear a hijab in school, had her family's house bombed in Jakarta, and I’ve been warned that similar things could happen to me and my family in Jakarta for what I say and how I participate in discourse. It's also been a struggle trying to navigate my own identity as someone who is Indonesian, yet thinks in English. My mind works in English and often what has hurt me in the past year is the discourse within the lgbtq+ community of said individuals, who are “Westernized to be at the helm of activism in Indonesia.”

And it made me feel like I had to prove my "Indonesianess" - in a way, which is such a false narrative. But I guess the question I still ask myself and still struggle with today is, how do I best represents and work in tandem with an entire diverse community? When I represent a small portion of that population, as a minority of minorities in that, how do I reclaim my Indonesian identity? And how do I speak for a group where some people feel like my voice is detrimental?

Facing that Struggle

I'm very grateful that I have a mentor and a kind of consultant in Pak Andreas Karsono who is a brilliant man that works with the Human Rights Watch. He has guided me through and given me motivation and he's the one who used to be an advisor for Ahok, the governor of Jakarta. The first Chinese, Indonesian governor and he told Ahok, “You know, Ahok, I can smell blood. And you're in danger. I know they're coming for you." And Ahok didn't believe him. And he ended up in prison for blasphemy for making a statement about Muslims being allowed to vote for him, even though he's not Muslim because that was what his opponents campaign. He ended up going to prison for that, for years. And I remember the first time I met him, he said, “You know, Kai, I smelt danger with Ahok and I smell it with you. You have to stay here and keep doing what you're doing, but be prepared for prison.” And he joked, he said, “You are emotionally and mentally strong. I can see that, but you are physically weak.” And I had to just nod my head, like, yes, that is very true and he said, “You got to strengthen up.” and I said, “Should I just run away?” and he said “No you have to stay here because someone has to in order to make change, someone has to and it might be you.” 

So, I think in confronting these struggles, I've gained more clarity on how I want to approach them. I'm not ignorant to them so I can plan as much as possible for what the potential outcomes would be and to solidify my understanding of my choices. So I feel empowered by them rather than feel like I'm making a rash decision that has long-term consequences. 

How did Covid affect your journey?

Yeah, thank you for asking it. Made me feel weirdly safer in it. That's where I started a very strong footing in activism, during covid because it was all online. It was done from the safety of my own home and it was a weird time where a lot of opportunities shut for me. I was supposed to go to Australia for gigs, and that didn't happen, of course.

But simultaneously, I ended up being very requested by media journalists and by corporate events that wanted me to speak. I spoke for Nokia at their pride events in Hong Kong and was like, “I'm sorry. I did not know you still existed.” And they're like, “Yeah, we do. We switched more to telecommunications.” 

And I think Covid allowed me to incubate my identity of what it means to make music activism in a way that, when you first saw me speak, at Green School, it was in its baby phases. That was three years ago and a lot changes in three years. I would say that my activism has grown from that with the help of Covid.

It came from an extreme place of solitude, and and questioning what do I want to do with my time when most people's excuses are that they don't have time for something? Now, we all have the time that we claimed we wanted so, it allowed me space to develop my music, to develop how I wanted to lead and it also allowed me a weird space to make mistakes. I also realized that my mistakes are now publicly logged because they're all online permanently on the internet, which made me understand the repercussions of like digital footprints. 

Low Points

At points, I felt like giving up. I don't necessarily think I have met a time where it made me feel seriously like giving up. I think there are times that I've questioned my motivations. Is this the best way forward? I think my time is well spent. I think. I think for me, the longer I'm in it, the more I realize it's the right choice. The longer I'm in it, the more I'm told by other people, it is the right thing and that it needs to happen. I'm grateful that I've been affirmed verbally by so many people. Whether they are other activists or academics or young teens, they've desired and needed and feel a sense of relief and I'm so glad that I can partake in that.

How do I actually work in the community in a way that doesn't harm the community? I don't think I have harmed the community. So, I want to make sure that I keep that and keep benefiting it. My deepest fear is not that I'm going to be arrested, but that my family, who are very accepting of me and love my partner and love me, fully will be the target of people's vitriol of people's hates. And my family will be roped into a political situation in which they are harmed as a way to hurt me. I know I have made my choice in the risks. I take being so outspoken.

I've signed up for this, my parents did not. My parents did not choose to be related to a political activist even though, I am, you know, they chose to have me. They did not choose the risks that I have. And if the risks are met by me, I will have to live with that. And I accept that as a reality.

If bigotry ends up attacking my family. That is something I would have such a hard time living with.

Advice for the World

I think specifically for the Indonesian youth, I want to say that who we are, is so diverse. And it's unfortunate a lot of our culture, today, does not truly accept diversity. We are not a homogeneous nation. 

Yet there is, of course, social expectation that is ingrained in today's culture that demands homogeneity. And performative diversity. But only diversity, that is accepted. My thought for the Youth is I want you to take the time to think about who you are. It's okay. It's not narcissistic or selfish or self-centered to reflect on who you are and take a lot of time thinking about what you want, who you are and who you want to be. I think in doing so and having that space for self-reflection, we will understand ourselves better. Of course. And in understanding ourselves better, we will understand how we can make ourselves happy and thus those around us happy. It is hard to live a life where we don't feel fulfilled and a lot of us don't realize we’re unfulfilled until too late in our lives, where we feel like it's too late to make changes. 

My hope and my request is that we all take the time to look at who we are. What that means to be as an individual. Where we can fit in society to allow ourselves to shine and give our space to change.